


Miles To Go Before I Sleep

by Anonymous



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Emotions, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Modern Era, Road Trips, Strangers to Lovers, Trans Character, trans!race
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 21:24:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17190599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Spot is running away when he comes across a stranger who is already two steps ahead of him and one step behind





	Miles To Go Before I Sleep

Spot was lost. 

He’d been on the same stretch of road for hours now and the scenery hadn’t changed. Rows of corn remained his only company, the music fading in and out of his bored mind. 

Too stubborn to stop and look at his map, Spot kept on going, checking on the gas as he did so. With still half a tank, he’d stumble on a town soon enough and he propped one arm on the door, placing a hand against his head. 

Being lost didn’t matter too much. After all, he wanted to go on this spontaneous road trip without a destination in mind. He just needed to leave.

With his parents gone, Spot didn’t have anything holding him to Brooklyn. Not his college, not his so-called friends, not his future. All of that had been snatched in a single night and Spot was done wallowing in his grief. 

As his mind continued to remember the past, Spot noticed a figure on the side of the road growing bigger and he slowed down, his stomach churning just a little. The person had a hand out, thumb up, hoping to hitch a ride without bothering to look at Spot’s oncoming car. 

With a shake of his head, Spot was set on driving past them. He didn’t need to pick up the first weirdo he met. As he passed by, Spot glanced at the person, barely catching any features at all, but just enough. There was a familiarity, something that felt like home.

Spot hesitated, foot still on the gas before he slammed on his brakes and pulled over to the side. He watched them in his rearview mirror, holding down his smile as they sprinted over to his car. 

“Hey, thanks, man!” the guy exclaimed, throwing his backpack unceremoniously into the back before taking the passenger seat. 

Up close, all Spot could see was this guy’s grin, a brightness that Spot squinted at. 

“Folks call me Racetrack,” the guy held out his hand. “At least they would if I had any.”

So this was how they were starting off. 

With raised eyebrows, Spot took the hand giving it a firm shake. “Spot.”

“That’s it?” Racetrack teased. “No special meaning behind your nickname?”

“What, you think it’s not my real name?” Spot shot back. It didn’t matter. None of this did, but Spot couldn’t keep his mouth shut. 

Race grinned even wider and leaned back in his seat. “Just wanted to see if I could get you to talk more is all.”

With the roll of his eyes, Spot started the car, continuing the journey on the endless road. 

“Where are we headed?” Race bounced in his seat and Spot eyed him warily. 

“Was about to ask you the same thing. Where do you want to get dropped off?”

“I dunno,” Race shrugged. “As far as you’ll take me I guess.”

Again, Spot took his eyes off the road for a moment to study Race. He seemed too relaxed, too confident and Spot wondered if these were any serial killer traits. 

“We’ll see. I only have half a tank of gas left,” Spot finally replied, grip tight on the steering wheel.

“Oh, I can help pay for that. I can drive too when you get tired.”

Spot blinked at this sudden offer and frowned. “I don’t let anyone drive my car. Chipping in for gas is enough.”

Race shrugged, unbothered by Spot’s roughness. “Okay. I offered.”

Spot watched Race out of the corner of his eye as Race began digging around in the glovebox, then pulling out the map. 

“How’s California sound to you?” Race asked as he opened it up. 

Spot said nothing and Race became buried in the folds and creases, the map turning as he did so. “Oh, here’s north.”

As Race studied the map, Spot couldn’t figure out how Race knew he didn’t have a destination either. He hadn’t revealed a single thing about this trip, but Race had him pegged in an instant. 

“You have that look,” Race commented from behind the map. “The leaving all your problems behind look.”

Spot’s knuckles turned white and he inhaled sharply at Race’s truth. “If you say so.”

Peeking out at Spot, Race grinned again. “I’ve been hitchhiking all my life. I’ve seen your face plenty of times.”

“What, you ran away when you were born?” Spot muttered. 

He hadn’t meant to let that slip and his face flushed, but to his surprise, Race laughed.

“No. After Pops died, Mom and I never stayed in the same city for long. We were always hopping from one place to the next. Now, it’s just habit for me.”

Spot’s mind was frazzled. It didn’t make sense, how Race was this open book to a complete stranger. Spot didn’t think he came off as the therapist type, but apparently Race had given Spot that title without asking. 

“We should drive towards Wyoming,” Race tried to show Spot, only for the map to end up crinkled and nowhere near Spot’s line of sight. “We’re in Ohio, right?”

Spot shrugged, glancing at Race when he could. Somehow, Race had turned in the seat so his feet were against the side door, his head right next to the shift stick and the map splayed out on his propped up legs. Spot laughed a little, shaking his head at this whole situation. 

At the very least, the corn had turned into more industrialized structures and a wave of relief washed over Spot. A sign with distance markers appeared at last, Spot reading off the approaching locations to Race. 

“Oh, we should just keep heading west then,” Race nodded. “Whatever that interstate is.”

“You’re the one with the map,” Spot pointed, jumping a little when he felt something brush against his arm. 

“Sure am.” Race had turned his head so he was grinning at Spot from an upside-down view. 

Race’s hair kept tickling his arm and Spot took to grabbing the wheel with both hands again. Race was a character, that was all Spot could say. When Race finally figured out the interstate, Spot took the next exit, thankful to be getting on some faster roads. 

Soon enough, Spot was feeling right at home with the busy traffic and Race had taken to sitting up properly again. 

“So,” Race began and Spot tried to not audibly sigh. “What’s your story?”

“Nothing.”

Race wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t prod and instead changed the subject. “Do you just sleep in the back when you need to?”

Spot nodded, a part of him wishing for Race to stop talking while the other was realizing how desperate he was for the company. “Some rest stops they leave pretty unattended, so if I can sneak into the building and sleep, I’ll do that.”

“Oh, you’ve learned some of the tricks of the trade!” Race seemed impressed and his gaze remained on the road in front of them. “Yeah, Mom and I did that a lot. Saved us a couple bucks here and there.”

Spot thought to ask about Race’s mother, but when he himself hadn’t even opened up about his own past, he had no business sticking his nose in Race’s. 

“She died,” Race explained, as if sensing Spot’s question. “Her health was always bad, but one day, she just gave out.”

The tension in the car had risen and Spot didn’t know what to say beyond a mere nod of his head. 

“We finally settled down too. Had our own place and everything.” Race’s voice had gone small, quiet, and Spot cursed his awkwardness with emotions. 

“She’s in better hands anyway,” Race suddenly switched, his brightness coming back. “Suppose I have to do this in her memory.”

Spot swallowed. He could feel Race’s eyes on him and he struggled to speak. He didn’t even know if any of his words were the right ones as he stuttered out a, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” Race shook his head. “I’m doing okay and I know she’s looking out for me. Heck, I was just thinking about her when you came along.”

A blush creeped on to Spot’s face and he tried to say something else until a low rumble interrupted him. Breathing out, Spot smiled a little, looking over at Race. 

“You eat yet?”

Race had sunk in his seat, head ducked and he shook his head. “Not since yesterday.”

Spot swerved to the nearest exit, narrowly missing a few cars, and he couldn’t help laugh at Race gripping onto the door for dear life. 

“Jeez, you couldn’t have done that a little safer?” Race mumbled, finally relaxing as Spot pulled into a restaurant parking lot. 

“You gotta eat,” Spot shrugged, getting out of the car and stretching a little. 

Race soon followed and the two headed into the restaurant, food the only thought on their minds. Spot wasn’t famished, but he was looking forward to something other than energy drinks. As he glanced over the menu, he frowned a little at the prices. The place wasn’t grandiose by any means, yet he could see Race’s hesitation and his gaze stuck on the first page.

“I’ll pay, don’t worry about it,” Spot reassured.

Race immediately retaliated, trying to talk Spot out of it, but Spot remained firm.

“You’re helping with gas, remember?”

Race conceded then, a small blush on his face as he hesitantly turned the page of the menu. “Can I…?” Race started softly. “Can I get a burger?”

Spot almost laughed, but he held it down when he saw the worried look in Race’s eyes, the way he shrunk into himself. 

“Whatever you want,” Spot nodded. “Burger, steak, hell, you can get more than one meal if you want.”

To Spot’s relief, Race laughed and shook his head. “Certainly don’t need that much food.”

The easy-going atmosphere came back, the orders taken, and Spot struggled not to look at Race. There wasn’t much in the restaurant to look at, but Spot wasn’t ready to make eye contact with Race again. 

He couldn’t place it, but there was something in Race’s eyes, a kind of vulnerability that reminded him too much of himself. If he looked, Spot was sure he would cave into the darkness he had thought he was well rid of. 

“Hey, for what it’s worth,” Race edged in and Spot dared to look up. “I’m glad I met you. Or, I mean...that you stopped for me.”

Spot was frozen, stuck in the warmth of Race’s gaze. There was so much to such a simple expression and Spot’s mind couldn’t form the words he needed. Yet, it was as if he didn’t need those words as Race smiled at him with a knowing look. 

There were still many miles ahead of them, a trip into the unknown, and all Spot could think was how he was looking forward to every minute of it.

~

Town after town passed by and Spot was sure they were out of the state by now. 

“Oh boy, Indiana,” Race’s voice dripped with sarcasm, and Spot couldn’t help but laugh. 

“What, you don’t like it?”

Race shrugged, pressing the map against his lap like a blanket. “Only got out here once with Mom. It was pretty boring and we stuck to the coast after that.”

Spot hummed in response, not having traveled much outside the state of New York. He had been comfortable there, no deep desire to see the world. He didn’t mind visiting other places, of course, but home was always nice. 

Spot sighed, thinking of the house he’d left behind, the money in his pocket. His parents had planned ahead for Spot and for that, he was eternally grateful. 

“How long do you think you wanna go for?” Race pulled Spot from his thoughts, a marker now in his hand. 

Spot glanced back at Race’s backpack, wondering what else he had in there. “I can go forever. You tell me when you’re tired and we’ll stop.”

Race made a noise that was a mixture between a squeak and a whine, leaving Spot to raise his eyebrows.

“Don’t like that much,” Race said under breath and Spot did his best to contain his rising frustration. 

“Midnight. I’ll find a rest stop then and we’ll sleep, okay?”

Race nodded, but he refused to look at Spot. As if Spot would snap at any moment. While he was on the verge, Spot didn’t want to scare off Race so soon and he pressed his lips together.

He didn’t understand what Race’s deal was. One moment, he was acting like he was king of the highway, the next, a small scared child taking his first steps into the world. Spot thought he himself was unpredictable, but that seemed like nothing compared to the confusion that was Racetrack.

“Why Racetrack?” Spot blurted out, keeping his eyes firmly on the road. 

There was a pause, the car in silent suspension before Race giggled. “Don’t know really. Mom would call me Racer all the time ‘cause I have spirit that doesn’t quit so she said. The “track” was just added afterwards. Like when you call a pet another name, you know?”

Spot didn’t. He never had any pets, not that he didn’t want one, but life was busy. 

“How about you? Spot,” Race enunciated and Spot ignored the shiver that crept up his spine. 

He wanted to back out like before, but something told him Race wouldn’t give up this time. 

“Got this birthmark on my side,” Spot mumbled. “I...my dad thought it was funny and I liked the name.”

“Cool, cool,” Race nodded, a smile on his face. “How big is it?”

Spot’s eyebrows furrowed at how deep Race was jabbing and fell towards a vague answer. “Big enough.”

Unbothered by Spot’s comment, Race still held an air of interest. Spot wasn’t in the mood to share more, but Race was waiting. 

“My parents told my I could have it surgically removed if I wanted, but I like it. Kinda proud of it if that’s not too vain for me to say.”

“Not at all,” Race responded. “That’s awesome, really. I like that.”

Spot could feel the heat rise to his cheeks and his mouth clamped shut, signaling the end of his participation in the conversation. He hated how Race didn’t react in the slightest, instead choosing to turn on the radio. 

“You care?” Race asked and Spot shook his head. 

The music filled the silence between them, Spot’s shoulders dropping as he fell into a familiar song. Before long, the sky turned into fiery oranges and red, the horizon as endless as ever. 

There was a calmness to this and when Spot glanced to his side, he couldn’t help the quirk of his mouth upon seeing Race fast asleep, head pressed against the window as if it was the most comfortable thing in the world. 

~

By the time Spot found a rest stop, Race had woken up and fallen asleep several times. 

He had tried to stay awake, only to end up passing out, sometimes mid-sentence. Spot couldn’t follow the conversations anymore and he hoped Race wouldn’t remember the non-committal grunts of response.

“Hey, you gotta get up for a moment,” Spot gently shook Race’s shoulder. 

The only sources of light were from the sparse streetlights and the glow from inside the rest stop. Spot already tried the door, finding it unlocked, and now it was the challenge of getting Race into the building. 

“What?” Race’s eyes fluttered open and he blinked several times. “Where?”

“Rest stop,” Spot reminded before heading to the trunk. 

Grabbing what was needed, Spot waited for Race to get his things and the two headed inside. After finding the most secluded area, the two set up camp there, Spot rolling out his sleeping bag as Race was tugging his own out of his backpack. 

“What else you got in there?” Spot teased as he laid down and Race grinned. 

“Can’t tell. It’ll ruin the surprise.”

“Do...we want there to be a surprise?” Spot frowned as he heard something clank around in the backpack. 

Race said nothing beyond a wink and Spot chose then to roll over. 

“Night, Spot,” Race yawned, a shuffling coming from his side as he effortlessly removed his binder. 

As Spot went to say his good night, he fell silent when Race’s back pressed against his own. The hallway they were in wasn’t small by any means and Spot froze. 

“Uh, night,” he managed, focusing on a speck on the wall across from him. 

Maybe Race was cold. Spot wasn’t about to ask, not wanting to know the truth if his guess was wrong. Whatever it was, it’d be forgotten by the morning and Spot settled into this mindset as exhaustion took over. 

~

When morning came, Spot was already up, tapping his leg as he waited for Race to wake. Security would probably be coming soon and Spot didn’t need any unnecessary fines on his record. 

Race slept like a rock and Spot was tempted to just wait in the car. Yet, he stayed, sitting on a nearby bench as he watched Race’s sleeping form. 

Watching. 

Spot shook his head, scowling at himself. Here he was being a creep, instead of waking Race up like any other person would do. Getting to his feet, Spot made his way over to Race, gently pressing his hand onto Race’s arm. 

“Race, we gotta go.”

Race groaned, pulling the corner of the bag over his head. “No, Mom.”

Spot couldn’t tell if Race meant that as a joke or not and he toyed with his options. He’d already put his things in the car, it was just getting Race. 

With a sigh, Spot hooked Race’s backpack onto his shoulders and then crouched near the sleeping bag, planning out his next action. In one swift move, he scooped Race up in his arms, biting on his lip as Race let out a small yelp. 

“We’re going,” Spot ordered, carrying Race bridal-style to the car. 

Somehow, he managed to open the door and he dumped Race onto the seat, still in his cocoon of a sleeping bag before throwing his backpack in. When Spot got into the driver’s seat, laughter bubbled out of him as Race glared in his angry caterpillar form. 

“I said we were leaving,” Spot shrugged once he regained composure and he drove off just as Race buckled himself in. 

When he looked back at Race, Spot rolled his eyes at Race dozing off again. He was sure the car could crash and Race would still be in a deep slumber. Noting the time, Spot figured they’d have time to stop for breakfast and he kept his eye out for the next stop as they traveled down the highway to nowhere.

~

“Geez and I thought Illinois was bad,” Race sighed, sinking into his seat. 

“What, you don’t like corn and cows?” Spot joked and kept on his false grin as Race glared at him. 

“We could’ve gone up to South Dakota, but you had to be a jerk about it.”

Spot groaned, head hitting his seat. “I told you. That’s too much of a detour.”

“Not like we’re on a time schedule.”

Glancing at the gas gauge, Spot had to admit Race was right, but he was actually looking forward to reaching the West coast. Not that Race had to know. 

“Yeah, but gas,” he lied.

Race huffed, crossing his arms and Spot grabbed the bag of snacks from out of the back. 

“You’re hangry.” He dumped the snacks in Race’s lap, grabbing one bag for himself.

“You don’t know me,” Race muttered, but he dug in anyway, eating one piece at a time. 

The food wasn’t much, but Spot wasn’t about to question what they had. After all, they were just two guys on the road heading to who knew where as long as it wasn’t back east. Race had spilled plenty in a few hours and Spot was still piecing parts of Race’s life together. 

He seemed content too before the world came crashing down. 

When the road flatlined again, Spot did his best to not scream. He really should have listened to Race, made something out of this trip other than simply going. 

“Stop the car,” Race spoke suddenly. 

“What?” 

“Stop the car,” Race said again, his voice frantic. “Stop the car, I’m going to be sick.”

Pulling over the car as fast as he could, Spot just watched as Race tore out, barely making it past the gravel before the contents of his stomach came pouring out. Unbuckling himself, Spot followed after but he came to a stop when he heard crying. 

Race was clawing at the grass, sobs wracking his body as he knelt on the ground. Words were spilling out of his mouth but Spot could hardly hear them above the sounds of the cars passing by. Forcing himself to come closer, Spot sat down next to Race and waited. 

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her,” Race sobbed, a fist tearing out the grass. “We didn’t– I–”

With a sharp yell, Race slammed his palms against his face, as if willing his memories away. He heaved, his body shaking and all Spot could do was place a hand on Race’s back. 

Spot wasn’t given the chance either, the anger tearing at his chest. He shoved his feelings to the side quickly, finding Race more important and he pulled him close until Race was crying into his shoulder. It was then Race grabbed onto Spot as if holding on for dear life, his hands knotting in Spot’s shirt. 

The two stayed that way for a while, Spot trying to keep his own thoughts at bay as Race cried. When Race’s tears began to slow, he pulled away, wiping his eyes. 

“Sorry,” Race coughed. “I...thought I was over it.”

“It’s okay,” Spot began softly. “There’s a part of you that will always miss them. I mean...her.”

Race sniffed a little, looking at Spot. “How did yours go? I mean I’m just assuming that they’re...um...”

Spot flinched at Race’s words and one hand went down onto the grass, centering himself on the feeling of it. “Car accident,” he breathed. “I was in class when I got the phone call.”

Race nodded, looking down at his hands before he got to his feet and went over to the car. Spot almost jumped up to follow, but when he saw Race pulling out his backpack, he remained where he was. 

“Mom liked to collect weird things,” Race explained as he pulled out a smooth rock and set it down in the grass, away from his unpleasant accident. “Makes for a nice memorial, don’t you think?”

Spot gave a singular nod, holding his breath as Race pulled out a piece of stained glass and what looked like a wind-up key for a toy. He propped the two items against the rock, smiling a little at the display. 

“You can decide which ones fit your mom and dad.”

Spot’s eyes watered then and he pulled his knees close to his body as he stared at the markers. He and Race had just met not that long ago and already Race was treating him like a dear friend. Spot was at a loss for words, but it seemed he didn’t need any as Race sat close to him, their sides pressing together. 

When the first of Spot’s tears fell, Race hooked their arms before resting his head on Spot’s shoulder, the two letting out simultaneous sighs. Too much had been taken from them too soon and neither were quite finished healing. 

“Thanks, Race,” Spot whispered as he brushed away his tears and his heart stuttered when Race looked up at him. 

“Thank you, Spot,” Race repeated back. 

The two stared at each other, the rest of the world fading away as they fell into something only they understood. 

~

Race’s face was comically pressed up against the window, his mouth open and eyes wide as he stared at the mountains surrounding them. 

“Pictures do not do these justice,” Race said in awe, shifting around to stare out the windshield and Spot’s window too. 

Spot had to admit they were beautiful but the driving was unlike anything he had to do before and his focus only went so far.

“Wait,” Spot frowned. “I thought you said you and your mom had been along the entire East coast.”

“Well, the Appalachians are cool,” Race bounced around again. “But the Rockies, man.”

Spot was sure he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference himself, but he made no move to tell Race so. 

“Can we go up a mountain pass?” Race’s eyes sparkled, his grin wider than ever.

“I think we have to anyway,” Spot responded as a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. 

Race cheered then and Spot was thankful for his ability to underreact lest he drive them off the road after every one of Race’s outbursts. By the time they reached their first real tourist stop, Race was already bounding to the railing edge, arms up over his head as he did so. 

“Don’t you wish you could fly?” Race beamed, gripping onto the metal and leaning forward. 

Holding Race by the collar of his shirt, Spot hummed before taking a deep breath in. The air was different here and the mountains made him feel small. It was nice to know that there would always be something greater than him in the world. 

Swatting Spot’s hand away, Race ran over to the other side of the outlook and stepped up onto a section of the railing. “Hey, Spot, can we go to the Grand Canyon after this?” 

Spot raised an eyebrow, wrapping his arms around Race’s waist and lifting him up to put him back on solid ground. “Sure.”

“Do you really think I’m going to fall off the edge?” Race scoffed after Spot put him down. 

Spot shrugged, sticking his hands into his pockets as Race eyed him. Realizing his mistake, Spot was left to chase after Race as he ran around the platform, giving Spot several small heart attacks when Race got too close to the edge. 

“You’re like my mom,” Race pouted when Spot had finally secured a grip on Race’s wrist. 

“Just don’t want you hurt,” Spot commented, a blush forming on his face as Race grinned. 

“Aw, do you care about me? Is this a Disney movie where the main characters fall in love after two days?”

Spot rolled his eyes, shoving Race playfully with his other hand. “Hell no. We’re the minor characters at best.”

Race laughed at this, using Spot’s grip to his advantage as he pulled the two of them back to the car. “Well, we better make the most of our story then. Lots more stops to make, I’ve got them all circled on the map.”

“Of course you do.”

Spot found himself reluctant to let go of Race’s wrist, but he settled back into the driver’s seat easily and the two continued up and down several mountain roads. Any time there was a chance to overlook the scenery, Race would insist on stopping and Spot would be left with little choice. 

By the time they had reached actual civilization, night had fallen and Race was staring up at the sky as Spot got them situated on a small plot of land tucked away from any stray eyes on the road.

“I want to see the stars,” Race sighed as Spot approached. 

The sky was covered in thick clouds, as if a storm was on its way, and Spot matched Race’s gaze. 

“Soon, I’m sure.”

Race’s smile was hesitant, but he said nothing more as they headed towards the tent that Spot set up. 

“Smart of you to bring a tent on your road trip,” Race sighed as they settled down onto their sleeping bags. 

“I just packed whatever I could,” Spot said without thinking. “I just needed to get out.”

Race nodded his understanding and the two laid on their backs, staring at the canopy of the tent. The silence was pleasant, there was no need to try and force what was forming between them. As resistant as Spot may have been at first, he was enjoying this time with Race.

“What do you think you’ll do when we reach California?” Race asked into the quiet night, his voice just above a whisper. 

A reply was far from Spot’s mind. In reality, he didn’t know. He figured he’d turn right on back, start his journey all over again. 

“I think maybe I’ll want to stay there for a while,” Race filled in for Spot’s silence. “Hitchhiking gets too risky sometimes.”

Spot tried to not think about the darker things, all while hoping nothing terrible had happened to Race during his time on the road. He was lucky to have gotten as far as he had too. 

“Hope you find your answer there,” Race turned to Spot, his eyes piercing but a comfort nonetheless. 

“Me too,” Spot found his voice, wishing to say more, but it was too late. 

Race had rolled back over and Spot was left with his thoughts. Maybe he was running, maybe he was searching. He didn’t really know. The only certainty Spot seemed to have in this moment was Race and even that was unpredictable at best. 

Sleep seemed ages away, the night as young as ever as Spot tried to calm his thoughts. When he looked at Race’s back, Spot could hear his heartbeat in his ears and he squeezed his eyes shut as he rolled over. 

In California, things would be over. He would have to accept that no matter what degree he and Race were. Of course, they were nothing more than acquaintances in this moment and Spot fell asleep with only the thought of Race on his mind. 

~

Colorado had come and gone, the river leading them right into Utah. 

Race was yet again in awe of every structure they passed, insisting they stop at parks when they could. The price was a little more than Spot wished for, but it made Race happy and for a moment, he could forget about money woes. 

As he and Race climbed over the red and orange rocks, breaking off from where the tourists flocked, they soon found a place that overlooked the cracked ground and all Spot could hear was the wind. 

That was, until a yell sent him tumbling backwards and he glared as Race laughed. 

“What the hell was that?”

“Just thought I’d try yelling,” Race grinned, climbing up onto a higher place and yelling again. “You should try it,” he called down to Spot. 

Reluctantly following after him, Spot found the newest view even better and he took a deep breath in. He couldn’t make himself yell, but breathing in the dry air was a sensation in itself. 

“C’mon,” Race egged on, nudging Spot. “One yell. I’ll yell with you.”

Spot rolled his eyes, but as Race counted down, he found himself falling into time with Race. The two shouted into the open space and Spot had to admit, he felt pretty good. Race’s face was shining with pride and Spot shook his head. 

“You’re weird,” he sighed, looking for other places to climb.

“Yeah, but you like it,” Race retorted and Spot gave Race a pointed stare, which only seemed to make Race smile even more. 

The two eventually found their way back to the park entrance, drinking as much water as they could before they would have to head on their way again. Despite the heat, Spot found himself not minding it. At least he wasn’t swimming in humidity. 

A few more stops here and there, Race collected stones and abandoned knick-knacks, posing in front of whatever he could, despite neither of them having a phone or camera. 

“You’ll save these for later, right?” Race winked and Spot could only mumble, “Oh my god,” in response. 

The sun was setting by the time they reached a lake, parking where a dock sat in the water, probably for a family’s getaway vacation.

“Can you imagine?” Race asked as they sat on the end of the dock. “Family days at the lake?”

Spot shook his head. He’d done small picnics in parks with his family, but they didn’t spend much time in nature. Hell, the only times Spot had gone swimming was in the community center pool. 

Getting to his feet, Spot peeled off his shirt and kicked off his shoes. “Well, let’s give it a try.”

Race blinked at him, his mouth dropping open just a little. “Try what?”

Spot didn’t respond and dove into the lake, thinking of little else until he surfaced. “Shit, it’s cold,” Spot wiped the hair from his eyes and treaded water as he looked at Race on the dock. “You coming?”

Race seemed to be taking his time and Spot swam over to the dock, hanging onto the edge. “Only if you want to.”

“I’m coming, jeez, hold your horses,” Race replied, his arms tucked inside his shirt. “Can’t really get my binder wet you know.”

With a nod, Spot paddled back out towards the center of the lake, waiting until he heard a splash to turn around. He lowered himself in the water, if only to hide his smile as Race swam towards him.

“I haven’t been swimming in ages,” Race commented as he and Spot floated around each other. “Almost forgot how to do it for a second.”

“Well, I could probably rescuciate you if I had to,” Spot replied automatically. 

With a wave of embarrassment, Spot sank underwater, shaking his head before he resurfaced. 

“That’s real sweet, you know,” Race smiled, his arms sweeping out in front of him, almost touching Spot but not quite. 

Rolling his eyes, Spot gave Race a playful shove and soon enough, a game of tag ensued between the two. Spot couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed so much and Race’s smile lit up the entire world around them.

“Your birthmark’s really cool, you know,” Race commented as they swam to shallower water. “Literally a giant spot. Like Jupiter.”

Spot raised his eyebrows, sensing the inner space kid dancing behind Race’s eyes. Spot hadn’t compared his birthmark to the planet before, but there was a sense of pride that grew within him. 

“Thanks. Glad you like it.”

Race laughed, diving below the water before resurfacing, a shine to his face as the fading light bounced off of his every feature. If he were to compare Race to a planet, Spot decided Saturn was a nice fit.

“What was that?” Race turned to Spot and Spot’s eyes grew wide with the realization that he had let a word slip from his mouth. 

“You remind me of Saturn,” Spot spoke with a growing confidence. 

With Race’s small giggle of embarrassment, Spot chewed back his own smile, but it proved pointless as the two laughed, enveloping the wilderness around them. 

“I’m really going to miss this,” Race sighed.

Spot’s smile faded with Race’s and he watched Race swim around in a circle before joining him in his pattern. They still had time to enjoy this moment.

When the two climbed out of the water, night had fallen and Spot searched for some spare towels to dry themselves off with. 

“Man, you’ll just need a kitchen sink next,” Race joked, wiping at his face.

“I would need something bigger than this,” Spot motioned to his car. “We’ll find ourselves a nice RV.”

Spot pursed his lips at his use of “we” and Race had turned away, clearing his throat. To distract himself, Spot pulled the tent out, setting it up on biggest patch of grass he could find, even while sopping wet. 

His mind was a flurry. Did he really want Race to stick around? He had assumed California would be the end of them, their ways parted for good. Glancing over his shoulder as he assembled the tent, Spot could feel his heart pounding in his chest at the sight of Race staring up at the sky, again wishing for stars on a cloudy night. 

There was an endless hope in him. The world had thrown all it could at Race, Spot was sure, and yet here he was, ready to live his life to the fullest. A small speck of envy grew in the back of Spot’s mind, something he was quick to shove away. If anything, he should be proud, following in Race’s footsteps. 

“Tent’s ready,” Spot’s voice was soft as he approached Race. 

Race was slow to turn from the sky, his smile small and inviting. “Thanks,” he spoke into the night air and Spot held his breath. 

After grabbing the sleeping bags, Race brushed past Spot, the two meeting eyes for just a moment before Spot followed after him. It was a heavy silence as they got ready for the night and by the time the two were laying down, Spot was exhausted. 

“Grand Canyon soon,” Race grinned, eyes closed and Spot couldn’t help smile back. Even if Race couldn’t see it. 

“Yeah, we got a few more parks along the way too.”

Race’s eyes snapped open and he turned his head to Spot. “You’re really okay with stopping at them?”

Spot nodded, turning onto his side and tucking an arm under his head. “Like you said, we have no timetable. Who knows when we’ll get the chance to do this again.” 

Race buried his face in the sleeping bag, rolling around before he looked back up at Spot with the widest smile to date. 

“I’m so lucky to have you.”

Spot ducked his head, thankful for the darkness that hid his own blush. He wanted to say this was all to make Race happy, but a part of him wondered if this was his own ruse to keep Race around longer. 

“Good night, Spot,” Race curled into his sleeping bag and Spot finally found his voice. 

“Good night, Race.” 

Race. 

Race, Race, Race, repeated in Spot’s mind as he stared at him, as if trying to memorize every detail. His heart hurt, everything felt heavy, and his fingers itched to reach out to Race. With a sigh, Spot rolled over to the other side, blaming his tired state for his disoriented thoughts. 

He’d have time to think as they drove and by the time they reached California, Spot would know exactly where to go. 

~

Zion was phenomenal, Bryce Canyon breathtaking, but when they were back on the road again, something wasn’t right. 

“Fuck,” Race groaned, leaning over, his eyes screwed shut in pain. 

“You sick?” Spot’s head whipped back between the road and Race. 

Finding a safe place to pull over, Spot parked the car, putting a hand on Race’s back. 

“Cramps and shit,” Race gritted out. “Might need a bathroom soon.”

Spot blinked and he quickly put the car back into gear to get Race to the nearest rest stop. 

“No, you don’t need to rush,” Race sighed, head in his hands. “I shouldn’t have...too much info...I…”

Race gripped onto the seatbelt, his knuckles turning white and Spot drove even faster. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen first, all he knew was that Race was in immense pain. 

Cursing the signs on the road, Spot gave Race reassuring back rubs when he could, even going so far as to tell Race to just scream it all out. Which Race did. 

When they finally found a place to stop, Spot almost caused several accidents crossing the lanes before he screeched up to the side and Race burst out from the car. Spot watched the restroom door with concern, biting on his thumb to distract himself. When he looked up at his rearview mirror, he saw a telephone booth and a small thought grew into something more. 

By the time Race came out, Spot was just finishing up his phone call and he rushed out to greet Race. 

“I’ll be better for today,” Race nodded, taking out a bottle of ibuprofen. “Might need to stop at a store for more pads and stuff.”

Spot nodded, then noticing his hand that was on Race’s shoulder and he snapped his hand back. 

“Uh, so I checked us into a cabin. Thought it might be nice for a night.”

Race’s face broke into a smile and he hugged Spot for a moment, but it was a moment enough. By the time Race had gotten into the car, Spot was still stuck on the sidewalk, staring. Shaking his head, Spot climbed into the driver’s seat and the two headed off, Race almost back to his usual self. 

“Whoa,” Race breathed when they pulled up to the cabin. 

It was simple, wood siding and a single room with two twin beds, but Race seemed impressed nonetheless. 

“Sure is a step up from a rest stop,” Race gave a cheeky grin when he noticed Spot’s neutral expression. 

Spot was inclined to agree and he smiled a little when Race flopped down on a bed. “Man, we’re gonna sleep good tonight. How are you paying for this anyway?”

With a small breath, Spot shrugged, glancing at the blank wall. “Parents had me in mind for a lot of things. I’ll be good for a while, but I’ll need to get a job sooner rather than later.”

“That’s nice of them,” Race said quietly, hands behind his head as he looked up at the ceiling. 

Spot nodded, glancing out the windows as the sky turned a deep indigo. He didn’t want to dwell in the thoughts of his parents and he headed outside, looking back at Race as he held the door open. 

“Wanna come out?”

Race stared at Spot before nodding and the two stepped into the evening, Spot taking a seat on top of a nearby picnic table. Laying down on it, Spot waited for Race to do the same and the two looked up at the night sky, Race letting out a small gasp. 

“Stars.”

The night sky was littered with small, glowing specks as far as Spot could see and he turned to Race, biting down his smile as Race stared at the sky with a beautiful sense of awe. His eyes searched before Race pointed up.

“There. That’s the star Mom said was mine.”

“How do you find it?” Spot asked, hoping he was looking at the right star. 

Race spared him a glance before holding his hand out at the sky again. “Depends on the year. Sometimes I’ll use Orion’s belt, other times I have to use the Little Dipper. But it’s that star that sits right...there.”

Race squinted one eye, using his finger to draw a line and Spot followed it, finding even more stars clumped together. Whichever one Race was talking about, Spot was amazed that Race knew exactly which one was his. 

It was then Race let out a big sigh as he shifted on the table. “I miss her. Can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. I mean I can but...”

Spot thought over his words carefully and toyed with the neckline of his shirt. “Your dad die when you were pretty young?”

Race nodded, his eyes stuck on the sky. 

“Yeah, losing them both at once was…” Spot paused. He didn’t want to say what he felt. He had done so well up to this point. 

After their deaths, he just ran. Didn’t spare any tears or time to grieve. If he did, Spot was sure he wouldn’t ever come out of that hole. When he saw a tear trickle out of Race’s eye, Spot swallowed down his doubt and started again with a shaky voice. 

“I was angry. I still am. It wasn’t anybody’s fault but at the end of the day, my parents were dead.”

Tears pricked at the corners of Spot’s eyes and he closed them as the first began to fall. 

“It was just a normal morning when I said goodbye to them. I didn’t think to hug them or say ‘I love you’, I thought…”

Spot’s voice gave out on him and he covered his face with his hands as silent sobs shook his body. He shifted when an arm wrapped around him, Race’s head pressing onto his shoulder and the tears flowed even more. 

He should have stayed for the funeral, taken the time to say goodbye. It was too late to go back and that began to hurt even more than the initial loss of his parents.

“We’ll do something special for our parents when we reach California, okay?” Race whispered into Spot’s shoulder, rubbing small circles on his arm. 

Spot managed a single nod, following the press of Race’s hand as he turned onto his side and Race hugged him close. He could feel his sobs subsiding, though the tears remained an endless flow. In Race’s arms, there was a kind of peace, forgiving him for running and turning his back on the one home he knew. 

Following Race’s guiding hands, the two got off the table and headed into the cabin, Spot still wiping at his eyes. 

“Man, I’m sorry,” Spot sighed as Race sat them down on one of the beds. “I did this so you could see the stars. Not get all weepy on you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Race shook his head. “I saw them. Still am.”

Spot furrowed his eyebrows, but before he could ask Race what he meant, Race had taken to resting his head on Spot’s shoulder. Race’s arms wrapped around his waist and Spot’s mind went blank beyond the feeling of Race. With a tentative hand, Spot placed it on top of one of Race’s own and the two let out a breath together. 

Spot wasn’t sure what happened first, but he found himself laying down on his side, facing Race. Race was reaching out to him, hand hoving just over his cheek and Spot froze. He closed his eyes, knowing what to expect next, yet when nothing happened, Spot stared at Race in the darkness. 

The hesitation swarmed between them, neither wanting to meet the first move and so, neither did. In perfect unison, the two ducked their heads, glancing at the hands that lay on the bed. This time, Spot grabbed Race’s hand, tangling it up in his own. 

There was so much he wanted to say, a question, a hope for Race to stay. Spot didn’t know what he wanted after California, all he knew was he wanted Race there. 

When he opened his mouth to ask, Spot could hear the even breathing, barely making out Race’s closed eyes in the darkness. Giving Race’s hand one more squeeze, Spot settled into himself with only the wish for sleep to come quickly.

~

Spot almost missed the turn-off.

He knew Race would never forgive him and cutting across the road, Spot got them on their way to the Grand Canyon. 

Not wanting to disturb Race, who had taken to napping, Spot propped the map up on him, squinting at the roads as he drove. Hoping he was taking the right turns, Spot remained tense until there was one stretch of road and his first breath of relief came when he paid for the park entry. 

“Hey, we’re here,” Spot shook Race’s shoulder. 

With a small gasp, Race shot up, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. “Grand Canyon?” he mumbled, wiping his eyes. 

Spot nodded and like a shot, Race was out of the car and running to the lookouts. Spot smiled as he trailed behind him, joking to himself that he’d have to buy a leash for Race soon. 

Joining Race at the railing, Spot pressed close to him. He had little choice with the swarms of people shoving to and fro and Spot did his best to keep his glare down. Turning to Race, Spot was filled with admiration. 

Race was glowing, a small smile gracing his face as he stared out at the reddened rock. His eyes were darting around, but there was a sense of calm to his searching. He was sure and confident, the wind tousling his hair, and Spot was breathless. 

Of course, if it was because of the altitude or something else, Spot preferred to choose the former. Race’s skin was beginning to prick his own and he bit the inside of his cheek until Race moved away. Trailing down the path after him, Spot kept his eyes on Race’s back as if looking away would make Race disappear forever. 

At each outlook, they stood next to each other, no words said, none needed as they stared at the canyon. Spot was almost convinced time wasn’t passing, that it was just the two of them out here. 

“California’s next,” Race sighed, resting his head on Spot’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Spot swallowed, turning his head into a mop full of hair. He wiggled his nose and tried to focus back on the scenery if only to not cave under Race’s touch.

Race’s head remained where it was, a weighted reassurance as Spot shifted a little. As the two adjusted their positions, Spot found his arm snaking around Race’s waist and his heart stuttered as Race let out a small breath. 

“Maybe we can just stay here,” Race spoke just above a whisper. “Staring out at the Grand Canyon forever.”

“I wouldn’t mind so much.” Spot looked down at his feet, unable to figure out where his words came from. 

He kept his eyes on the sandy ground, kicking at it when he felt Race’s head turn. Spot waited. Something was going to happen he was sure and then, a group rushed around them and Spot dropped his hold on Race. 

Race pulled away, his arms crossing his body as he held onto himself and he left first, leaving Spot with an apology on his lips. None of the moments were right and Race tried to bring back a lighter atmosphere with strained jokes and forced smiles. Spot did his best to play along, but when they entered the gift shop, he couldn’t help keep an eye on Race. 

Barely looking at the assortment of gifts, Spot’s heart was heavy when he saw Race looking out one of the windows. His happiness from before was absent at best, a forlorn look in his eyes. He glanced in Spot’s direction and Spot turned away, taking interest in the nearest shelf. 

The small sign read, “Dream Jars” and Spot picked up one, amused by the iridescent sheen. Made by locals and coming with the promise of easing worries, dreams coming true, Spot tested in his head, settling into his decision. Weaving his way to the counter, Spot bought a jar, tucking it away before he went over to Race. 

“I’m ready to go if you are,” Race said when Spot approached him. 

With a nod, the two headed from the canyon and back on the road. It would be some time before the Californian border, Race already with his head stuck in the map while Spot fell back into the pattern of driving. 

“Let’s go to the coast. I haven’t ever seen the Pacific Ocean.”

“Me either,” Spot responded, fiddling around with the small dream jar in his pocket. “Hey, I got this for you. It’s a dream jar, so the shop said.”

Pulling out the jar proved harder than it seemed and Spot yanked it from his pocket, his hand almost hitting Race as he held it out to him. 

“Oh.” 

Spot guessed Race’s eyes were wide and his fingers tingled as Race released the jar from his grip. 

“Thank you,” Race breathed and Spot took the chance to look from the road. 

Race’s blush was apparent, the jar cradled close to him as a finger traced along the top. He opened it, staring at the inside before setting the jar down on his lap. 

“You’re the best.”

Spot gripped onto the steering wheel with both hands, unable to decide on shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders. Race let out what sounded like a small laugh before looking back at the map and Spot snuck another look at Race. 

He couldn’t help match the small smile on Race’s face and when he looked back out at the road ahead, Spot embraced the lightness in his heart.

~

The scenery of California flew by. 

As Spot drove, Race pointed to obnoxious store fronts, old billboards, anything his eyes could land on. It became like a game of I Spy and somehow, Spot could never exactly see what Race had been pointing to.

“It’s ‘cause you’re driving,” Race teased. 

Before long, the sights became an aged familiarity and Spot could see Race deep in thought out of the corner of his eye. Race sighed, his fingers drumming his leg before he found the courage to speak. 

“This was amazing,” he began, sadness on the edge of his words. “I’ve never had a trip quite like this.”

Spot nodded, struggling to find his own voice. “Me either.”

Race looked as if he wanted to say more, but his mouth clamped shut and something ached in Spot’s heart. As soon as they entered California, Spot knew. Ever since the Grand Canyon, Spot had battled with his thoughts, trying to explain it all. There was only one explanation in his mind now and he had accepted it with more grace than he was expecting. 

He was waiting for the right time to tell Race, just in case Race’s feelings weren’t on the same page. Yes, they were perhaps in love, but Spot knew his was more than simple infatuation for himself. If Race was still debating, still lingering in that, there was no telling what would happen with Spot’s confession. 

He wanted Race to have a chance to say no. Even if it would hurt, Spot cared more about Race’s well-being than his own tumultuous heart.

Spot laughed a little to himself, wondering when he had become more than his assumed cold front. 

“What’s so funny?” Race poked him and Spot shook his head. 

“Just thinking about you diving into the ocean headfirst when we reach it,” Spot replied, his mind quick. 

Race laughed, his fingers lingering on Spot’s arm before he pulled away, eyes down. “Yeah, I might not dive, but I’m definitely getting into the water.”

Spot’s skin burned, memorizing Race’s touch. All he had to do was blurt it out, take his chance now. Yet, Spot’s mind remained stubborn and he merely gave Race a smile in return. 

The coast would be coming eventually. Then, Spot could admit the feelings that sat in his heart and he kept his arm on the console as he ached to take Race’s hand in his own.

~

The car wasn’t fast enough, the excitement was too high and Spot screeched into a parking space.

Race jumped out of the car first, sprinting to the water’s edge, his laughter ringing in the air. Spot followed shortly after and stood on the sand as Race ran knee deep into the ocean. Scooping up some water, Race threw it towards the sky, spinning towards Spot with a wide smile. 

“Come out here,” Race called over the waves and Spot rolled his eyes with a smirk. 

Taking off his shoes and socks, Spot then walked into the water, joining Race as the waves swept around them. 

“It’s beautiful,” Race breathed in, gazing out at the setting sun. 

“It really is,” Spot agreed and he watched as the water lapped around their legs. “I think even better than I imagined.”

Race grinned, swaying on his feet. He tucked his hands in his pockets, laughing a little at the water and sand he kicked up. “I almost slept in late you know.”

Spot tilted his head, waiting for Race’s next words. 

“The day you picked me up. I...my mom had basically just died. I wanted to forget and sleep, but something, maybe her spirit, made me get up and on the road. Then, you pulled over and suddenly, things didn’t hurt as much anymore.”

As loud as the waves were, Spot couldn’t hear them anymore. All that echoed in his mind were Race’s words, striking him with each breath. 

“I mean, I still gotta work on myself, figure out some things, but you helped. So much. I hope I helped you too in some way.”

“You did,” Spot said automatically. “I needed to grieve and feel. I don’t know how long I would’ve stayed in my head if it wasn’t for you.”

The corners of Race’s mouth twitched as if he was trying to hold back a huge smile. Taking Spot’s hand, he led them back to the shore, sitting them down in dry sand. 

“So, what are you going to do?” Race asked, still holding tight to Spot’s hand. “You going to head back to New York?”

Running his thumb across Race’s hand, Spot ran all of the past days through his mind. From the first stop to where they were now, the two of them had experienced more than Spot could imagine for his life. 

There were things in New York to be taken care of, decisions that had to be made, but all Spot could think about was what would become of Race. What would become of them. 

Inhaling sharply, Spot squeezed Race’s hand and looked into his eyes. For Spot, there was only one way this could go and he leaned in, pressing his lips against Race’s. In an instant, Race was pushing back, his other hand finding its place on Spot’s face. 

When the two finally broke apart, Spot took his time opening his eyes. It was Race’s laugh that brought him back and Spot found himself grinning. 

“Guess that means you’re staying?” Race asked, his fingers tracing along Spot’s face. 

“For a while,” Spot nodded. “I’ll have to sort out some messes in Brooklyn, but those can wait.”

“I’ll come with you,” Race reassured and he scooted close to Spot. 

This time, Spot fell easily into what they were, wrapping Race up in his arms as Race tucked his head under Spot’s. 

“Thanks,” Spot breathed, watching the waves and his worries crashing with them. 

There was still the inevitable future. Where they would live, what kind of work they’d have to do before heading back east, but Spot was okay. For the first time since his parents’ death, Spot wasn’t in a foggy, wandering state. He knew the path he wanted to take, already imagining the memories he’d make with Race at his side. 

With Race curling into him, Spot brought them back to lay on the sand, the two staring up at the endless blue. They made it, they were free, but most of all, they had found each other and they settled into the peace that surrounded them.

**Author's Note:**

> hey so
> 
> idk with this one; it's not by any means holiday-ish or like any of my...writing (??), but it's been sitting in my drafts for a while. This story just sort of wrote itself, race and spot doing their own thing and my fingers just being like "all right we're doing this"
> 
> it's a lot of self projection too so maybe it's like an autobiography on my journey for some stuff idk
> 
> also i'm trying to improve writing trans characters so constructive criticism would be appreciated <3
> 
> P.S. [this song lowkey inspired the story as well](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaeWss85_vg)
> 
> thx again all 
> 
>  
> 
> [Blue Hellsite](http://safarikalamari.tumblr.com)


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